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Eddie murphy raw hamburger11/8/2023 When the kids are grown, I’ll be chasing that dragon every holiday season until I’m rotting in the ground. It’s a nice feeling when your kids get excited about shit YOU made. When I tell my kid I’m making her some bastardized fried rice, her eyes fall out of her head. Is it as good as the original? I think so, but that’s probably my ego talking. Then crack an egg in the rice and stir it around some more, until the egg is cooked. Now add the rice and stir it in until it’s all hot and the grains are no longer in clumps. Now add some frozen peas and stir them for a couple minutes more. Put three glugs of vegetable oil in a skillet and fry up the ham and veggies. Now chop up an onion, a carrot, and a few slices of deli ham. How do you make it? Obtain a pint of cooked jasmine rice. Blast in the oven at 400 degrees until golden brown, roughly 20 minutes. Then dump them in a bowl with a few glugs of olive oil and a shitload of kosher salt, and arrange the fries on a piece of parchment paper on a baking sheet, making sure there’s visible space between each stick. How do you make it? Buy a bunch of russet potatoes, wash them (no need to peel), and then julienne them, which means cut them into little sticks. The bad news is we all agreed that compromising our morals was really the only way to get a proper CFA fix. The good news is that my kids ate it all. ![]() After a few bites I nodded to wife and was like, “You can really taste the pickle juice!” as if that were a huge plus. So I marinated some chicken breasts and dredged them in flour and powdered sugar (the fuck?), then fried them into a dark brown schnitzel that looked basically nothing like the real deal. I also wanted all the deliciousness of Chick Fil A with none of the lingering guilt that comes with patronizing one of America’s foremost anti-gay food purveyors. I was very excited to try this recipe out because I’ve always wanted my entire fridge to smell like buttermilk and pickle juice. Please note that I did not endlessly tinker with any of these mock fast foods, because I am not a perfectionist and am prone to giving up easily on things. Here now are my findings from my years in charge of Dinner Night at McDrew’s. It would also maybe help the wean the kids off of Mickey D’s and make them even more loyal to the counterfeit product that daddy makes. The idea is that I can make “fast food” healthier for my kids if I make it myself, since I’m in charge of the ingredients and the preparation (In reality, I cook with enough salt to kill a full-grown adult buck). ![]() There is an atom-sized bit of logic behind this kind of laborious redundancy. That is why I have endeavored, with predictable futility, to replicate some of my family’s favorite takeout meals in our own kitchen. That’s why it took me decades to become the kind of grownup fartsniffer who openly brags to people, “McDonald’s doesn’t even taste good to me anymore!” My children’s gastronomic evolution will be no different. And it always tastes exactly the way you remembered it. You walk up to a counter, plunk down a few dollars, and are rewarded instantly with fattiest, saltiest, sweetest possible food imaginable. My happiest childhood memories typically involved my mom coming home from the Brown’s Chicken carrying a cardboard box that had 18 different grease stains already soaking through it. I could spend all day preparing a lovely dinner of braised short ribs, scalloped potatoes, and six different kinds of perfectly roasted vegetable, and yet these kids would gladly dump all that food in the toilet if I gave them the option of heading to a Five Guys instead. I have three children and, like all other American kids, they harbor a deep and abiding love of fast food.
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